I almost killed my husband for the second time

You think he would have learned by now how to avoid this situation but he hasn’t.

And yes, it’s his fault I almost killed him — again.

The first time was on our first night in this apartment. We were childless at the time, just two working stiffs with disposable incomes that I miss more than I care to admit. Anyway. I went to bed earlier than him and while I’ll never be sure what possessed him to do this, he decided that this would be an opportune time to scare the living shit out of his betrothed. Isn’t that every man’s prerogative?

So he waited until all was quiet and crawled across the floor of our dark room from the hallway and proceeded to jump up on my side of the bed — much like a serial killer would do — where I guess he expected me to scream then laugh at his brilliant joke.

Well I did not laugh at his clever jape but I sure as hell screamed.

And during that scream I may have also lost a few years off my life, and I may have cried, and I may have made up new swear words that would make a sailor blush though truthfully it really was a blur of sorts and the only thing I can say with most certainty about that moment is: I DID NOT LAUGH.

In fact, I may have nearly killed him and if I was one to sleep with a baseball bat or steak knife, he would have found that object embedded in his person.

He was a lucky man.

In his defense he was also a very apologetic man and once he realized that I was seriously scarred and possibly heavily traumatized by the event, he swore he’d never do it again.

Ah, how quickly they forget.

Apparently he has poor memory skills because that was 8 years ago and once again I was recently forced to make him beg for his life and marriage.

Recently we watched the wonderful supernatural horror called Insidious, a movie that really exemplifies the correct way to build suspense and make viewers pee their pants which happen to be traits I always look for in that genre. And we loved it. Being scared in a controlled environment is addictive and the thrill of being frightened without the need for a roller coaster or bungee cord is just my style. NOTE I SAID ‘CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT’ because once the credits roll, I do not want to be back in ‘jump out of my skin’ territory. I just don’t. Too bad my husband forgets these things. You think he’d remember I’m control freak considering I must line up shoes just so and I start to twitch like a madman if there are crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Anyway. After watching Insidious I decided to go online and sat with my back to the couch while checking the state of the blogosphere.

You see where this is going right?

That’s right, my husband decided to sneak up behind me and scare the living shit out of me just like the demon behind the dude from Insidious pictured up above did to everyone in the audience when he popped out of nowhere to waggle his tongue at the sweet little old lady who was trying to purge some bad ass juju in that home.

I  just shivered again while thinking about that scene.

Anyway. If one could be killed by a reversing office chair hit-and-run, my husband would be currently listed as DEAD because he decided that sneaking up on his oblivious wife right after she watched a really scary movie was a great marriage booster. But instead of running over my husband and causing his untimely death, I screamed, cried, and made up even worse swear words that would make Avon Barksdale go crying to his mother, all while pounding on my husband’s head with my fists.

OH and once again I DID NOT LAUGH.

Dude was lucky I wasn’t chopping vegetables at the time.

FTR: I now sleep with a baseball bat under my side of the bed. True Story. You’ve been warned husband.